Saturday, September 03, 2005

Texts of Antiquity VI: Waste Management (Antenna #35, Miami Beach, 1990)

Waste Management: A Slum-Hopper's Guide to Tele-Squalor

Veering even further from the assignment, although concision rears its comb-over on occasion...

After a rough night of mot-slinging with SoBe's least and dimmest there's nothing quite like worming one's way into a woefully mottled narrative. Waste Management will sub for the gentle, Karaoke-weary reader in slogging through toxic broadcast effluvia. Only those films deemed sufficiently capable of reversing life-affirming patterns will be suggested to the public by Waste Management's editorial board. We will only critique titles not yet legally available on home video.

---

November 8 (Friday)

Pushover

(year of release: 1954/network: TNT/air time: 2:05pm/allocated time slot: 115m./actual running time: 88m.)

Fred MacMurray toplines as a detective who commits murder after a knuckle-dusting joy-fuck with blonde man-snuffer Kim Novak. When the salubrious My Three Sons star croaked on November 5th, creaking tele-tabloid doltjox moaned on and on about the too-goddamned-
familiar Double Indemnity and Disney's enambered Flubber series. Quaker-bait. Along with Billy Wilder's mordant 1960 psycho-quim-convulsion The Apartment, this pussy-scented panty romp is the hot Fred shit! Pushover director Dick Quine's master-pustule? 1965's hoss-flecked bastinado Synanon, a two-"boot" O.D. charred to a vein-collapsing crisp.

November 9 (Saturday)

Girls of the Road

(1940/TMC/1:45am/75m./61m.)

A young socialite decides to devote her time to the following Nexxus products: Fusiladge, Bloated Poppie, Lava-Lava. Helm-jef Nick Grinde also stapled 1935's lactase-shawled moto-habanero Ladies Crave Excitement.

Life Begins at 17

(1958/TNT/3:50am/100m./75m.)

A college fraternity brother attempts to charm a local beauty into competing for classic penny loafer and tassel lounger sets! A yeast-cloaked, langue d'oc'd larvaesleeve, built to last with tripe-Karsh'd bi-welt construction and long wearing Vibram Evaflex soles and heels!

November 10 (Sunday)

Glamour for Sale

(1940/TMC/5am/60m./-)

A vice cop learns that blackmail and extortion are the highest priorities when colorfully patterned in folk art style! With a bevy of sheep, cows, pigs and geese meandering back to barn; Epicurus manflowered in "aphid", bodhih-raked monotones!

November 11 (Monday)

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die

(1967/TNT/12:30am/135m./101m.)

A scientist discovers a way to mass-extend wardrobe possibilities with a mock-T in an array of appealing colors! Women from his hibernation harem look great tucked into jeans or snuggled against the skin under favorite sweater! The salmon (echt-Finn) is its own fish!

November 13 (Wednesday)

The Secret Invasion

(1964/TNT/12:30am/120m./95m.)

A group of international crime "specialists" are promised a parole if they will combine classic dress shoe styling, uncommon durability and complete comfort for day-to-tongue Hogmanay wear. Roger Corman's Dirty Dozen precursor increases diameter of hair shaft; special toners eliminate yellow!

November 14 (Thursday)

Tarzan, the Ape Man

(1959/TNT/12:45am/105m./82m.)

Tinted footage from other "Tarzan" features is edited into this wan bog magot that finds the ape-man (blond UCLA anomal-cauc Denny Miller) leading Jane and her father to the sacred Powder Keg Parka! Sad, sober musing pinned to "trout"-mat; Black Liz is Hen!

Drums of Africa

(1963/TNT/2:30am/120m./-)

A railroad engineer and his nephew (thesp red root Francis Avalon!) plan a new blended interlock knit, but encounter opposition from an advanced Lifa Prolite yarn and new lined Supplex Windpants. A lotus-loined bad-doc fleshtout!

The Neanderthal Man

(1953/TNT/4:30am/90m./78m.)

An experiment in evolution goes awry, transforming a mild-mannered scientist into blue, teal blue, white, raspberry and dark magenta pinwale cords. A hat and ashplant-potted pinedrop; crunch-absolved tote lore for the dhole-scrubbed "wee"-trew!

November 15 (Friday)

I Aim at the Stars

(1960/TNT/3:45am/135m./107m.)

A fictionalized account of Polartec Series 300 (formerly Polarplus) polyester fleece and its use in the American space program. Engrossing account of double-fabric shawl collars and flapped,
nylon cargo pockets!

November 16 (Saturday)

The Strange One

(1957/TNT/1am/130m./100m.)

An emotionally disturbed senior at a Southern military academy sadistically bullies the supple cotton shell of a classmate's new mackinaw! Calder Willingham's study of Jocko de Paris, whose handsome, durable 100% worsted wool sweater (knit in traditional fisherman's stitch patterns) wreaks havoc in circles of smooth nylon taffeta!

It Happened in Athens

(1962/FOX/3pm/120m./92m.)

During the 1896 Olympics, a rustic wins the hand of a four-layer Optifoam sockliner with shock-absorbing heel pad cushions. A torp-bong'd Jayne Mansfield can't imagine a complete wardrobe without at least one good oxford cloth shirt in it! (Dish owners only.)

November 17 (Sunday)

Edge of Eternity

(1959/TNT/12:45am/105m./80m.)

A sadistic murderer is tracked to the Grand Canyon area in the traditional winter underwear of woodsmen, hunters and fishermen. Script pages 40-41:

Cornel Wilde: Shirt; Shoes; Sport coat, shirt and tie!

Victoria Shaw: Sport coat; Shoes; Sport coat; Shirt!

CW: Sport coat and trousers! Shirt and trousers!

The Angry Breed

(1969/TBS/1:30am/120m./89m.)

A recently returned Vietnam veteran gets into trouble with Fastex buckles and struggles to maintain his traditional button-front storm coat (in a warm and durable 85% wool/15% nylon blend)! "Wow" is the automatic response!

The Crimson Kimono

(1959/TNT/4:15am/105m./82m.)

The murder of a beautiful burlesque queen sends two detectives through the sturdiest socks we offer (in the warmest, most comfortable boots we have found)! Ult-aut Sam Fuller fucks all kino-sh'd ur-Christs; signature putti release pee-arc'd antacids!

November 18 (Monday)

Babies for Sale

(1940/TMC/6:45am/65m./-)

A crusading reporter finds evidence that a local nursing home is actually a front for cabalists harboring a weathered cotton crewneck sweater (charcoal with black)!

Spy in the Sky

(1958/A&E/9am/90m./-)

An American secret agent gets caught up in a web of soft pigsuede leather when he sets out to find a German scientist who has durable and functional pants for hiking, backpacking, working around the home and other outdoor activities! An orange wool satin matellass‚ asymmetrical coat abandons "painting" altogether.

Hercules, Samson and Ulysses

(1964/TNT/4pm/120m./85m.)

Three legendary gladiators join forces against the warmest flannel shirt you have ever seen! Hercules is mistaken for Samson after he and Ulysses battle two large pockets (men's front patch and women's on-seam). Blame it on ecotourism!

November 20 (Wednesday)

Johnny Cool

(1963/TMC/11:05am/115m./101m.)

An Italian boy raised by a Sicilian guerrilla is sent to New York to wreak vengeance on the wearers of well-tailored, handsome trousers cut from thickly napped, heavier weight corduroy. Zippered fly, set-in belt loops and straight legs mean instant death! Sammy Davis, Jr. sings "The Mad Bomber Hat."

November 21 (Thursday)

The Man With My Face

(1951/TNT/2:15am/120m./86m.)

A man returning from a trip discovers that a stranger who looks just like him has a denim skirt with a difference- you'll see it in the details! In keeping with that season's emphasis on the head-to-toe Total Look, he gets to go without makeup, pantyhose, and high heels for days on end!

The Man Who Turned to Stone

(1957/TNT/4:15am/105m./80m.)

A group of demented scientists must prey upon the energy of young girls to avoid drawstring hoods with 3-button placket fronts. "Commando" fit is trim, stretchable and easy to move in!

-Tom Smith

Texts of Antiquity V: Waste Management (Antenna #34, Miami Beach, 1990)

Waste Management: A Slum-Hopper's Guide to Tele-Squalor

Tiring of the format after only two installments, I drifted into serious Fingerhut territory... The Medusa review represents the nadir/apex of (misplaced) arrogance.

After a rough night of mot-slinging with SoBe's least and dimmest there's nothing quite like worming one's way into a woefully mottled narrative. Waste Management will sub for the gentle, Karaoke-weary reader in slogging through toxic broadcast effluvia. Only those films deemed sufficiently capable of reversing life-affirming patterns will be suggested to the public by Waste Management's editorial board. We will only critique titles not yet legally available on home video.

---

October 25 (Friday)

The White Warrior

(1961/TNT/12pm/120m./86m.)

Spring, 1969. Dan had just turned thirteen. He met the lousy fucker at Williams' place. Reminded him of some creep he'd once hustled; he smacked him with a crowbar he'd lifted from some muscle dick's Gran Torino. Later severed his arm at the shoulderwith a butter knife... Tennessee kept a jar of Esoterica on the table by their bed. Dan greased the arm with the beauty goop and fucked it masterfully into the old dramatist bastard's ass. His spunk flew right into the channel changer. Steve Reeves jerked into view. He stepped down from the screen above the highboy, sloughed off his costume, and grabbed a brassie from thegolf bag Dan had given the aging playwright for their fourth anniversary. Reeves greased the wood with pectinous stage blood; the mixture dripped in liverish, viscid dollops from his cruel, quercine thighs. He inserted the club's sole into the torpid mouth of Dan's nether-sex. He stifled a yawn - he'd had bigger. The sinew-warped cine-cedar oiled a niblick and was soon manipulating the Hogans through Dan's benumbed duodenum. ("Miss Lanier" had long since dozed.) Dan scrawled this synopsis on the dead punk's purulent limb: "Tolstoy-smudged Freda-pep; Czar-plumed tor jocks juve tribal Caucs (Screenplay by Harry Allen)." Slept through the sand wedge.

Rasputin, the Mad Monk

(1966/TNT/2pm/120m./92m.)

Ultra-viol m'ta-guff, with Chris Lee roiling through a sanguineous, bloomer-strewn Yaweh-fest as the hirsute, drip-dick mystic. Hammer-tagged "pol" blot at a non-reductive, mitotic yaw. "Chocolat" in procrustean Congo pose.

October 26 (Saturday)

Medusa Against the Son of Hercules

(1962/TNT/3pm/120m./-)

Perseus, all frizettes and smart peplum pleats, leads SBG stampbearers against the hid-vis'g'd Gorgon ("Andrea Baj," ME mawke, Dead mandala sedged). Richard Harrison, avulsed by Envy, is jocund yet flexworthy in the unblushingly rissole 1963 sequel Messalina Against the Son of Hercules. Stupes affixed, "ju-ti" balloon bursts cleave reptile-pastied tit-"Bouv"'s.

October 27 (Sunday)

Curse of the Faceless Man

(1958/TNT/4:30am/90m./66m.)

Poil-fused, low-watt caligarisme from peripatetic genre silurid Edward L. Cahn (see last issue). A glaive-weilding Pompeiian pumice-mug'd Laz ends odors, discomfort, embarrassment. Among other Cahn textes from '58: Suicide Batallion, the blissfully routine Mamie Van Doren melanoblast Guns, Girls and Gangsters, and the ineffable Cat Lover's Wall Clock.

The Undead

(1957/MAX/6:15am/90m./75m.)

Peep this Corman-shied Trappist veronica for the majuscular Allison Hayes. She jiggles, she wiggles, she makes everybody giggle! Panoramic design helps you keep an eye on her- she's "purr-fect" for display!

October 28 (Monday)

Chamber of Horrors

(1966/TBS/1:05pm/120m./99m.)

Macabre tale about an amazing bisque reproduction of 19th-century Baltimore's Madonna of Lourdes. Pens look like actual bullets!

October 29 (Tuesday)

Revenge of Frankenstein

(1958/MAX/6:30pm/90m./91m.)

For the imperturbable Baron, ornament was the East, and Islam. Farm magnet set comes complete with metal box for storage and play! Surgical steel with strong peel-and-stick backing. Metalized polyethylene, unfrocked priests.

October 30 (Wednesday)

The Plague of the Zombies

(1966/TNT/4pm/120m./90m.)

A professor's daughter falls under the hypnotic spell of a young man intrigued by an indoor/outdoor mat for music lovers; guests take "note" as they wipe their feet!

October 31 (Thursday)

The Devil's Bride

(1968/TNT/4pm/120m./95m.)

Horror yarn with satanic cultists seeking to initiate comely author of diabetic candy, cookie and dessert cookbook. Vinyl coated steel rack hangs over-the-door or mounts on wall with included screws. Edition of 30 suites.

The Curse of Frankenstein

(1957/MAX/6:30pm/90m./83m.)

Although commercially available on video, this saw blade clock looks right at home on the workshop wall! Golden initials on the handsome cover tell everyone its yours. Made of dishwasher safe enameled rational order.

Taste the Blood of Dracula

(1970/TNT/8pm/120m./95m.)

Three middle-aged lechers in Victorian England dabble in black magic and wind up reviving 18 pairs of shoes and at least eight handbags in a minimum ammount of closet space. Stuffed with unbelievable exercise and diet tips, plus 12 different immense pinups of Bridget in the buff!

Dracula A.D. 1972

(1972/TNT/10pm/120m./100m.)

The resurrected bloodsucker seeks "cross-stitch" floral tablecloth. Clear poly scalloped "shell" design and white base add a decorative and feminine touch to milady's desk, tabletop, night stand.

November 1 (Friday)

The Vampire and the Ballerina

(1962/TNT/4am/120m./-)

A raging storm drives two young ballet dancers into a handpainted ceramic winter wonderland. Horsedrawn sleigh takes two lovers for a ride. Graceful open-work lid with daffodil design lets pleasant fragrance filter out, yet keeps potpourri secure. Grandpa is 4", Grandma is 5".

Fright (aka Spell of the Hypnotist)

(1957/TNT/2pm/90m./-)

A psychiatrist uses hypnosis to treat a patient with a unique watch that's an aquarium! Frees up hands, too! Holds 100 thimbles!

November 2 (Saturday)

The Pusher

(1960/TNT/3:15am/105m./-)

Harold Robbins-scrawled narco-mosh; brightens every tree and delights every fan! Features three mischievous felines toying with a basket full of yarn. Prelapsarian simony, pursed and sorely imputable. The Swedish Blue Angel!

-Tom Smith