Monday, September 05, 2005

Texts of Antiquity VIII: Waste Management (Antenna #37, Miami Beach, 1990)

Waste Management: Shhh... Don't Wake Her!

Perhaps the best of the lot. (Certainly my favorite.) Alas, only one more installment would follow before Antenna closed its one, rickety door for good. The hotel in which its offices sat has long since been bulldozed...

Christy's eyes are closed, her delicate lashes hand-painted. Her chubby cheeks are kissed with a newborn's warm blush. Christy's dainty mouth is slightly puckered, and her tiny hands and pudgy baby feet are sculpted in natural positions. Christy's outfit is hand-tailored in cotton-blend, cradle-print fabric and trimmed in frilly white eyelet and yellow bows. Once you've held this little bundle of love in your arms, you won't want to put her down!

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December 7 (Saturday)

One Million Years B.C.

(year of release: 1966/network: TBS/air time: 12:05 p.m./allocated time: 120m./actual running time: 100m.)

Hardnosed cop Edwards relentlessly dogs paranoid villian Connors who's out to waste those he imagines have wronged him. Why leave those great photos buried in an album, or lost in a drawer? The first in The Beatles Collection hallmarked by Delphi in afflilation with the Bradford Exchange! (Polypropylene cone, water-resistant mylar whizzer cone.)

December 8 (Sunday)

A Dangerous Profession

(1949/AMC/8:30 a.m./90m./79m.)

This silly pothead comedy breaks down all resistance with its cheerful vignettes about two dummies in search of "good grass." Aunt Clara is the cause of a 12-state electrical blackout. Full color on fine china; rimmed in 22-karat gold. (Flashing "P" warns of instant-on/Radar.)

December 9 (Monday)

A Safe Place

(1971/TMC/6:25 a.m./95m./94m.)

Hard to put into words the impact of this monumental silent epic. Dieudonne mesmerizingly plays the famed emperor; notable sequences include snowball fight, the Reign of Terror, and
eye-popping Polyvision finale. Limited to a maximum of 150 firing days! (PlayXchange, S-bit technology, single-bit D/A converrters.)

December 11 (Wednesday)

Death: The Ultimate Mystery

(1979/NOST/4 p.m./120m./?)

Brutal but stylish bio of the real-life twins (one gay, one straight) who ruled London's underworld in the 1960s, aided immeasurably by the title-role casting of two sibling brothers (not twins) of the Brit pop group The Plight of a Flu Sufferer. Created from a Nate Giorgio original painted exclusively for this limited edition! (Hear and feel the difference Surround Sound makes!)

December 13 (Friday)

The Legend of Tom Dooley

(1959/MAX/4:30 p.m./90m./79m.)

Harmless but highly improbable account of the trials and tribulations of a spastic cheerleading squad and its overage instructor. Add plenty of patience, spare time, and top it off with pride. Rated a top market prospect! (12 color pallet, 28 pre-recorded shapes, electronic eraser, selection of sounds.)

December 14 (Saturday)

Black Gunn

(1972/TNT/1:20 a.m./120m./98m.)

Mitchell is torn between his girl and his horse in this colorful but routine equestrian drama. A communications gap develops between the Douglasses and their Chinese neighbors. Comes with a matching hand-numbered Certificate of Authenticity! (Desk/wall mountable.)

December 15 (Sunday)

Five

(1951/TNT/2 a.m./120m./93m.)

Bugle Ann is a very special fox-hunting hound, lovingly raised by Missouri farmer Barrymore. Trouble comes when an antisocial, dog-hating sheepherder becomes his remote-controlled net to capture a jaguar. Our highest rating and your assurance of superior artistry and craftsmanship! (Touch latch doors, dual wheel casters.)

December 16 (Monday)

The Mob

(1951/TNT/4 p.m./120m./87m.)

Inventor creates an android son as the brother his teenage daughter always wanted, but a ruthless toy tycoon sees dollar signs instead. Cases: a plane crash, a poisioned child and a burgler with a heart attack. Once the edition closes, collectors' demand could exceed the supply of plates and force asking prices up dramatically! (Two passive radiators.)

December 17 (Tuesday)

The Phenix City Story

(1955/TNT/2:25 p.m./125m./100m.)

Atrocious, wildly inconsistent "comedy" about a teenage boy's sexual awakening -- and embarrassment. If you had acquired "Elvis at the Gates of Graceland," an exceptional entertainment-theme plate also from Delphi, you would now own a plate valued at $135.00 -- over five times its 1988 issue price! (Attractive, cube design.)

December 18 (Wednesday)

Tight Spot

(1955/TNT/12 p.m./125m./97m.)

Taut caper in post-WW2 Berlin involving a planned heist of gold from the air lift circuit. The LeFevres, the Inspirations, the Dixie Echoes and the Florida Boys are surveyed in man-in-the-street interviews. A precious Yolanda Bello issue at an irresistible price! (Can play 3" CDs.)

December 19 (Thursday)

Miami Exposé

(1956/TNT/12 p.m./90m./73m.)

Ordinary couple, with young son and aunt in tow, rent an old mansion as summer home, unaware that it's haunted. Strange occurences lead to totally predictable prize-winning play about the pains of adolescence. Fired in an edition ending forever in 1992, after which molds for this doll will be broken! (Factory-set security code, 59 minute sleep timer.)

-Tom Smith

Texts of Antiquity VII: Waste Management (Antenna #36, Miami Beach, 1990)

Waste Management: A Pecan Log's Guide to Smoked Beef Brisket

Things go horribly awry...

A gift certain to make family and friends stop and savor! This six-sided holiday gift box displays an appetizing array of tasty treats, including fourteen different cheeses- from mild Mini Babybel to robust Sharp Cheddar; three zesty Beef Summer Sausages; plus six sumptuous sweets and spreads: Fancy Cookies, Chocolate and Creme de Menthe Tortes, Strawberry Preserves, Orange Marmalade, and Strawberry Candies. Net wt. 2 lbs.

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November 22 (Friday)

Omar Khayyam

(year of release: 1957/network: TNT/air time: 3:15am/allocated time slot:135m./actual running time: 101m.)

The 11th-century adventurer faces evil assassins and royal romance in this fictional account of the Persian hero's exploits. Lavish but tedious fiction about the Persian poet, mathematician and philosopher. Adventurer and poet battles a gang of assassins who intend to take over Persia. Lean, boneless, fully cooked.

Johnny Dark

(1954/A&E/8am/120m./85m.)

An engineer designs a race car but has trouble finding someone to manufacture it. Mild drama about sports car enthusiast's efforts to get a new model on the assembly line. We top it with fresh garden vegetable flakes for a palate pleasing presentation!

Another Man's Poison

(1951/TMC/12pm/90m./89m.)

A mystery writer schemes to bump off the escaped convict blackmailing her for the murder of her husband. A ruthless novelist has a yen for her secretary's fiancé‚ and a plot for murder. A blackmailer enters the scene with proof that a woman has murdered her husband, and forces her to do his bidding. Beef sausage in 10-foot (1-1/2 lb.) ropes.

Hercules vs. the Hydra

(1960/TNT/4pm/120m./-)

An evil Amazon attempts to lure Hercules to her side by kidnapping the queen who loves him. The legendary hero battles men and monsters while seeking to avenge his wife's murder. We've included six festive tree ornaments!

November 23 (Saturday)

Who's Got the Action?

(1962/TNT/3pm/120m./93m.)

A compulsive gambler's wife becomes involved with the syndicate when she tries to cure her husband of his habit. A wife takes drastic steps when hubby's gambling debts become a problem. Figi's bountiful box of snack sensations now comes in a smaller size!

November 24 (Sunday)

The Love God?

(1969/CC/2pm/120m./101m.)

The editor of a nature magazine returns from a trip to find himself the object of massive affection and two lawsuits. A nature editor is mistaken for a Hugh Hefner type. A gift-giving touchdown for the Superbowl snackers on your list!

November 25 (Monday)

The Killer that Stalked New York

(1950/TNT/2:40am/105m./79m.)

Husband-and-wife diamond smugglers enter the U.S. unaware that they are bringing a deadly strain of smallpox with them. People search for a woman on the run who may be carrying deadly smallpox germs. A diamond smuggler enters the U.S. carrying a contagious disease and the fuse is set in a wild search to save the city from death. Gourmet ground coffee perfect for savory sippin'!

November 26 (Tuesday)

Shadow on the Window

(1957/TNT/4:15am/105m./73m.)

Three hoods who set out to rob a successful farmer wind up murdering him and taking his secretary hostage. A youngster, in shock, holds the only clue to the kidnapping of his mother. A group of young hoods led by a psychopath kill a businessman and take his secretary hostage. For a tempting touch, we've included a 4 oz. Stone Ground Mustard!

November 27 (Wednesday)

Halls of Anger

(1969/TNT/12:35am/120m./96m.)

A black high school teacher becomes principal in an all-black school that becomes a powderkeg of violence when white students are bussed there. Racial conflicts flare at a ghetto high school where black students oppose an influx of bused-in whites. Delivered in a festively decorated holiday gift box with a pretty red bow.

The Three Stooges in Orbit

(1962/TBS/1:20am/105m./87m.)

Martians capture a new submarine-helicopter-tank and go winging through space with the Three Stooges. Moe, Larry and Curley Joe get mixed up with an eccentric professor and Martian spies. The boys run across a Martian agent after a professor's new invention. Our Mild Salsa, Hot Salsa, Nacho Cheese, and Jalapeno Pepper Cheese dips will make tastebuds shout "Ole!"

November 28 (Thursday)

The Sidehackers

(1969/CC/2pm/120m./-)

Two motorcycle champions engage in a life-or-death battle. A competition cyclist seeks revenge for the sex slaying of his fianc‚e. Create a personal presentation with each gift basket!

November 29 (Friday)

Catalina Caper

(1967/CC/12am/120m./84m.)

Two surfers turned sleuths pursue a gang of art theives. Vacationing divers retrieve a rare Chinese scroll dropped overboard during a scuffle between thieves. Brimming with "season"al surprises!

Pharaoh's Curse

(1957/TNT/4:30am/90m./66m.)

A British archaeological expedition runs into the vengeful, 3,000-year-old guardian of an Egyptian tomb. Low-budget archaeological melodrama of tombs and mummies. Archaeological expedition encounters a monster from thousands of years ago in Egypt. Plus five party pretzel rods!

November 30 (Saturday)

The Curious Female

(1969/USA/1am/90m./-)

A group of progressive thinkers in the 25th century reviews an old 1960s film on morality. Three college coeds have different experiences with a computer-dating service. Beautifully detailed, 8" tall canister features a captivating nutcracker design.

War of the Colossal Beast

(1958/CC/10am/120m./68m.)

Sequel to The Amazing Colossal Man finds the radiation-contaminated colonel horribly disfigured and running amok in the mountains of Mexico. Army hunts for a 60-foot man. Aged Cheddar "Cow" is tastefully accompanied by Colby, Edam, Sharp Cheddar, and Gouda cheese delights!

December 1 (Sunday)

Girls Under 21

(1940/TMC/4:50am/190m.?/-)

A woman imprisoned for her association with a mobster attempts to reform her sister's group of delinquent friends. Beautiful to behold... even better to eat, we're told!

-Tom Smith